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TOPIC: Heard any good jokes lately?

Heard any good jokes lately? 2 months 2 weeks ago #133839

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This guy really hates his mother-in-law who lives with them and he comes home one day to find her unconscious on the floor. He takes her to the hospital and waits to hear from the doctor. The doctor comes out looking grim and the guy asks him how she's doing.

"Well," the doctor says, "There's good news and bad. I'll give you the bad news first. She had a stroke. It was a small artery in her brain but the damage is severe and permanent. She can't talk and can only make irritating screeching sounds. She's lost all muscle control so she can't walk or move her arms and legs. She'll have to be spoon fed with baby food. She is also incontinent, can't control her bowels and will have to wear diapers that will need to be changed frequently. However, her heart is strong and she should live another 30 years."

"30 years! You mean I'm going to have to take care of her like that for the next 30 years...and that's the good news?" the guy yells.

"No," the doctor replied. The good news is that I was just bullshitting you. She died."

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Mentor to the unenlightened!

"Never allow logic to interfere with a boat purchase." - J. S. Hadley
"Vintage quality beats new junk every time." - J. S. Hadley
"Anything supposed to do two things does both of them half-assed." - J. S. Hadley
"Success makes...

Heard any good jokes lately? 2 months 1 week ago #133978

Too funny ! An old guy walks into a pharmacy, goes up to the counter, and waits his turn. When the pharmacist gets to him and asks what he wants he says " I'd like 2 Viagra pills and could you please break each into four pieces for me ? " The pharmacist blinks and says " Sir, I don't know much detail about your situation but I don't think that 1/4 of a pill is going to produce the full effect. " The old guy laughs and says " what full effect ? I have no interest in sex, I'm just tired of peeing on my slippers ! "

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Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead !

Heard any good jokes lately? 2 months 1 week ago #133980

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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of this marriage, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Then he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

As the man hangs up his phone, he turns to his wife and says, "Mission accomplished! They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

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Website: NautilusRestorations.com

Mentor to the unenlightened!

"Never allow logic to interfere with a boat purchase." - J. S. Hadley
"Vintage quality beats new junk every time." - J. S. Hadley
"Anything supposed to do two things does both of them half-assed." - J. S. Hadley
"Success makes...

Heard any good jokes lately? 2 months 1 week ago #133982

GOOD ONES GUYS..LOLOL

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